


Delusions

by nea_writes



Series: Kingdom of Heathens [3]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Dissociation, Familial Love, Gen, Pacifism AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-12
Updated: 2016-10-12
Packaged: 2018-08-22 02:28:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8269208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nea_writes/pseuds/nea_writes
Summary: No matter who it was the Earl saw, Allen was pathetic enough to crave it all the same - the love, the affection, the care, the worry. He wanted it with a deep gnawing hunger that terrified him.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [liketolaugh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/liketolaugh/gifts).



> Written for a post liketolaugh made that said:  
>  _So we knew it would be hard for Allen to accept that the Earl wasn’t Mana, but can you imagine the pain loop that would result if the Earl also kept calling Allen ‘Neah’?_  
>  Also a gift-fic for her birthday!!

It was dinnertime, and most of the Noah and Exorcists - it was hard to shake off what they used to be, had been for years - had gathered in the dining hall again. Lavi was gone with Bookman once more, Cross had left traveling with Link, trying to work out the wanderlust buried within him, and Sheryl too was gone.

Everyone else was settled in the ark, but that didn't mean everyone came to dinner. Nonetheless, the Earl and Allen were always there. The Earl because he wanted to, and Allen because he had to. No one had strictly said so, but it was something Allen felt compelled to, so even on days when his mind felt foggy and his smile wan he still left his home.

And, like always, the Earl sat by Allen.

Allen wished he wouldn't.

There were so many of them, dinner were always set up more like a buffet, and though it made the Earl pout there were no fancy dining cloths and cups and chinaware. Allen indulged him, at times, and sat at tea with him, or at a luncheon for an afternoon. It took quite a bit of pleading and begging before and several hours left by himself afterwards, but while he was sitting with the Earl, it was always a gift. It had consequences, of course, most notably on his stupid confused heart, but Allen could never bear to stay away.

So, despite feeling like he hadn't slept for two days, was running on pure caffeine, and had already separated four brewing fights not only between the Noah and Exorcists but the Noahs themselves, Allen still made himself come to dinner, if only so none of them would seek him out in some kind of misplaced sense of worry.

Simply by virtue of being an actual Duke, the Earl sat at the head of the table, but if Allen did not sit by him the Earl was shameless enough to move to wherever Allen was sitting.

Komui had explained it to him once. Familial love had no shame - it was much easier to throw your pride away for family. Allen wondered if Komui realized that the reason Allen had left the conversation so quickly was not because he saw Timothy sneaking off with Jasdevi but because he couldn't bear the sudden question he had of whether the Earl loved him this way as a son or as a brother. 

Regardless, it was terribly embarrassing when the Earl made a point of sitting by Allen, so Allen preempted all of it by just sitting beside him in the first place.

The rest of the seating was random. It changed on the day, but the only constant that remained was that Exorcists tended to sit next to each other and the Noah as well. Still, some were making efforts. Lenalee sat by Jasdevi when Lavi was not there, or by Road when Road felt so inclined. Miranda shyly would sit by Lulubell if the Noah was present - though that was fifty-fifty chance in and of itself. Allen thought Miranda admired Lulubell's quiet confidence. 

Tonight, Allen sat by the Earl, Lenalee by Jasdevi, Road on the Earl's other side and Tyki by her, and Timothy by Allen. Emilia had taken her leave a week ago to visit her father, though she was due back soon. It was unofficially said that in her absence someone had to stay by Timothy at all times, and most of these times it fell to Allen. As most things did.

Tonight, everything seemed to be fine. Ever since Jasdevi and Lenalee had become friends she seemed to calm down and unwind, some tense negative energy within her letting loose as she played with Jasdevi in an act reminiscent of what her childhood should've been. Timothy would be up to no major mischief because he'd been sat by Allen, and Road was nearly always unpredictable but with her three favorites all at the table - the Earl, Tyki, and Allen - she'd be inclined to be calm simply out of complacent happiness.

Tonight, Allen thought everything would go by as usual. Dinner, light chatter, the teasing banter of the Noah and the war-born camaraderie between the Exorcists. They had the best players at the table, the ones making the biggest efforts to get along. 

Tonight, everything would be fine. 

 It started innocently enough, with Allen telling Timothy to eat his vegetables. The Earl laughed.

"What?" Timothy demanded, morosely stabbing a boiled carrot and bringing it to his eyes to glare more efficiently at.

The Earl covered his smile with a gloved hand, though it did nothing to hide the laughter in his creased golden eyes, warm as candlelight. "It's always a good thing to have a child around! They bring youth to everyone, and some need it more than most," he said, with a pointed look at Tyki. Tyki scowled and then shrugged, spearing his slow-roasted beef cleanly. You could always see his manners in times like this, Allen thought with some amusement.

Allen turned back to his meal once Timothy swallowed his bit of vegetables, satisfied for the moment, but then the Earl continued.

"You were like that too," the Earl said wistfully, gaze landing not here nor there but in the past as a distant memory rose. _Oh,_ Allen thought with a heart-shuddering hitch in his breath, fork and knife poised over his meat. It was so easy to lose his appetite, sometimes.

"It was strange," the Earl mused. "You ate most everything but boiled and mashed foods." 

Tyki looked at Allen then, frowning, and Allen stuffed his mouth with food so he wouldn't be asked the question burning in Tyki's gaze then. Unlike the rest of the table, Tyki had spent time with the worst of the worst, with the scum and the poor and beleaguered and the cursed. 

"Though I suppose you've grown up since!" The Earl ended with a light laugh, watching Allen fondly as he continued to ram all the food on his plate at once into his mouth. If no one asked, if no one picked up the thread-

When he felt Timothy perk up beside him, Allen tasted nausea at the back of his throat. "What was Allen like when he was young?" he asked eagerly, foregoing his food in favor of paying the Earl his full attention.

Unfortunately, his loud voice caught the rest of the table's focus as well, and Allen could feel their searing gaze land on him and the Earl. 

This wouldn't end well. If the Earl, normally so perceptive and sensitive, could not feel Allen's rising discomfort from beside him - and he normally did, so much that Allen had forgotten to appreciate it again, and like most of his life he was being punished for being so presumptuous as to hope he would be able to - then it meant the Earl wasn't really there. Not wholly. Not entirely. The Earl never brought up the past because he loved the present. 

The Earl took a sip of his wine as he gathered his thoughts. Perhaps it had been the drink. The Earl wasn't inclined to drink because he said being addled in the mind as a result made him feel terribly ill later, except the Earl would drink if others were as a polite host. But Jerry had severed the Earl the wine as a complement to the dinner, and the Earl was a bit of a gourmet as it was. Allen wished he had turned it down. 

"He was... a frightful child. Precocious and cunning. The kind of child that made adults uneasy. Much like you are, my dear," the Earl said with a wink at Timothy, who preened at the high praise of being compared to Allen. 

Allen flushed, horrified. No one had ever been around long enough to talk about Allen like this. Cross never did, because he was always trying to push Allen towards the future, and the Earl, well. 

He wouldn't remember enough in the first place to do so.

The Earl's tone turned dream-like, nostalgic and warm, and it hurt even more to listen to it. "That being said, he was surprisingly sweet. Perhaps being so clever made him more emphatic as well, because while he was mischievous he never pushed it too far, and he was as inclined to play a prank as to give a favor. He was charming, bright, 'delightful', as some used to say."

With each word Allen felt his stomach drop lower and lower, his breath knocking in his lungs rattled and loose. It felt as though someone had carved out all that made Allen solid inside and replaced it with hollow emotions compounded by fear of hurt and anger. 

"I could see that!" Lenalee said with a light laugh. "He hasn't changed much, then!"

Allen's smile felt brittle.

"You alright there?" Tyki asked, swallowing his wine with a bitter look on his face. 

"Yes, of course," Allen replied, reaching for another plate even as he felt saliva gathering under his tongue. He was better than this. Mana had thought him better. 

 _Tyki you idiot,_ Allen thought angrily as the Earl immediately focused on him again, banishing the memories. 

The Earl frowned, reaching forward and pressing the back of his hand against Allen's cheek. Allen was almost angry enough to snap what the use of that was given that he was wearing a glove, but he let the gesture go. Oh, Allen hated when the Earl looked at him like this, eyes clear and dark with worry, as if he was perfectly fine. 

"No, Tyki-pon is right," the Earl said, ignoring Tyki's sigh of deep exasperation. "You're looking unwell, is it the food? Are you tired? Have you been sleeping well? You look so tired," the Earl said sadly, and Allen felt the blush creeping across his cheeks to his ears and down his neck, both mortified and elated. 

No matter who it was the Earl saw, Allen was pathetic enough to crave it all the same - the love, the affection, the care, the worry. He wanted it with a deep gnawing hunger that terrified and depressed him. 

Allen turned to give the Earl a smile, carefully preserving the Earl's touch on his cheek. "I am a bit tired, yes," Allen conceded, because he was sure the dark bags under his eyes would give him away regardless. Better to admit one truth and deter from another. "But, more than tired, I'm hungry!"

He saw Road's narrowed eyes from the corner of his, but most important was placating the Earl, because things could turn ugly quick if not remedied soon. 

"But, Neah," the Earl said, tilting Allen's chin up to better catch the light. No. No, Allen was wrong. He didn't want this, couldn't bear this. He cut a glare so sharp to Tyki and Road that he almost felt bad for it. "You're too pale! I think you should rest for the night - you're always working so hard!"

 _Don't say anything!_ He thought viciously, comforted that Road was sensitive enough to know better, and would keep Tyki quiet. The table fell silent, deathly still. _Don't say anything!_

"What?" Timothy's voice was startling in the silence, and Allen wrenched his chin away from the Earl, grabbing Timothy's arm and squeezing it. 

"No, the Earl's right," Allen said with a glittering smile he knew would fool no one but the Earl. "I'm about to f-fall asleep in my food!" He added a laugh to hide how shaky his voice was. "I'm sorry Timothy, I don't think I'll have the energy to play later. Why don't you go with Lenalee and Jasdevi?" If she was taking care of Timothy, then Lenalee would refrain from doing anything too disastrous. 

His meal wasn't anywhere close to finished, but another bite would send the rest of it coming back up, so Allen pushed back from the table and stood. "I'm sorry to leave in the middle of a meal," Allen said to the Earl, who looked worried. 

Tyki exhaled gustily, and Allen shot him a look. "No, boy, I'm not okay with this," Tyki said thunderously, glaring at the Earl. "This isn't right - it never is, it never was!"

"Tyki!" Road hissed, eyes flashing like lightning. "Shut _up."_

"No!" Tyki said. "I won't! This -" he waved between the Earl and Allen, and Allen cringed away. "This isn't right. I can't bear to sit here and listen to this and watch this boy break himself just to please the Earl!" Tyki shoved back from the table with a hard screech of wood, scowling down at them. "That the rest of you won't say anything is horrible."

Lenalee paled and Jasdero poked at his food while David looked away. Road's face grew pinched, as if Tyki had just slapped her, and Timothy looked horribly confused and upset. Allen wish he'd skipped out on this dinner. No one knew quite how often Mana called Allen that. Allen had been so used to it when he was younger that he fell back into the same old pattern now, responding easily to one name as the other. It made no difference to him, really, because either way Mana had named him.

"It's okay," Allen said. "It really is. He named me, he-" Allen swallowed, mouth dry, glancing at Lenalee and Timothy. For some reason, it was easier to let the Noah know about his pitiful past, but for any of the Exorcists to know... the Noah would not pity him. They would love him, because they have to and because they want to. Enough so that they would take Allen's side against Mana like this. But the Exorcists didn't have that age-old love running through their veins, and they would pity Allen, and that was the one thing Allen could not have.

"Tyki, don't worry. I'm just tired," Allen assured, meeting Tyki's hard stare. He could see in Tyki's eyes how his anger collapsed like a house of cards, an exhaustion leaking from him in a bone-weary sigh. Of all the Noah, Tyki clung to his humanity, and it hurt him at times where he saw himself in others as humans sought to do. 

"Then, let me walk you back," Tyki finally said. "You'd probably collapse along the way on your own."

It was as much give as Tyki was willing to relent. Either Allen let Tyki leave with him, or Tyki would fight until Mana realized his wrong-doing. 

And because Allen was wretchedly in love, he let Tyki guide him from the table. 

Mana stood as he passed, bringing Allen to him and resting Allen's head against his shoulder with a hand, pressing his cheek briefly against Allen's hair. Allen nearly felt his heart break at how natural the gesture was, how easy. To draw Allen to him, to hug him, to do it so shamelessly as brothers born and raised together would. 

"Go to sleep," Mana urged. "Your selflessness is admirable and beautiful, but it hurts you, and it hurts me to see you this way."

Did Mana know? Did he know what he was doing to Allen?

Allen nodded, cheek rubbing against the lapel of Mana's suit, before he pulled away, ignoring the way Mana's hand lingered before it fell away. "I will M-" he pressed his lips tightly together, holding the word, forcing himself to swallow it down. "I will," he said again firmly, turning to give the table a smile before leaving. 

For a moment - just a brief tiny second - Allen wanted to turn around and call him Mana. Not because it burned him inside to hold it back, but because he felt anger and hate roiling inside him. In that breath of a moment, Allen wanted to hurt Mana. Wanted to ruin him, savage him, confuse him and make him hurt like Allen was hurting. He wanted to take all of the pain searing his bones and pour it into Mana's worried golden eyes just so that he would stop looking at Allen and seeing someone else.

He wanted to grab Mana's hands, squeeze until his fingers hurt, and say _Look at me!_

But he didn't. The impulse came and went and left him exhausted, and he was glad Tyki was taking him away. Road looked guilty, but Allen didn't blame her for taking Mana's side. She had spent decades watching Mana be hurt, it was probably beyond her to  bear anymore. 

They left the dining room, stepping outside. Allen breathed the warm night air in deeply . Despite the weather always being sunny, at night it would reflect the passing seasons outside, and they were in the throes of summer.

Allen and Tyki had only made it five steps from the door before Tyki was patting down his pockets, eagerly searching for his cigarettes. He tapped one from the box and lit it, taking a long drag. He held the carton out to Allen, an implied question.

Allen shook his head softly, staring up at the sky, but he was thankful all the same. The familiar scent of nicotine wafted into the air, the breeze sending it Allen's way, and he inhaled deeply, suddenly desperately wishing Cross was there.

They walked in silence as Allen burned the vision of the stars into his memory.

"...you're crying," Tyki said softly, and Allen looked down, the motion sending a tear sliding down his cheek and jaw. 

"...I am," Allen said, just as softly. A quiet whisper between the two of them. 

It wasn't too far from the dining room to Allen's house, but they walked slowly, as if the night would never end, stars winking in the sky. 

"Why do you let him do that?" Tyki asked, and Allen thought it must be wonderful to be simple and straightforward. Tyki did as he pleased, and avoided what he did not want to do. The only one who could bend Tyki's will was the Earl, and even then Tyki consented easily by virtue of love for Mana.

"I don't know how not to," Allen confessed. "I'm anything he wants me to be." _It's easier that way._

Tyki sucked in a breath, and Allen refused to look at him, ashamed. 

"Road should handle this," Tyki said angrily. "She shouldn't let this go on."

Allen laughed kindly. "We both love Mana far too much to change anything."

He could feel Tyki's gaze rest on him, but Allen determinedly studied the stars. The possibility of hurting Mana by saying anything was enough to deter Allen from doing a single thing. He couldn't bear losing Mana again, and if he did and it was in any way Allen's fault, he had the distinct notion it would break Allen deeply. 

"It's not right," Tyki said again. 

 _It's not,_ Allen agreed, but he stayed silent. It took a will to change, and Allen had neither it nor the want to do so. He was grateful that Tyki let him cry in silence, the overwhelming pain at being forgotten again leaking from in a stream of steady tears. That's what it was, wasn't it? Allen was being forgotten, as if he was being erased. Like smoke drifting into the sky and eventually dissipating, every time Mana forgot him he felt a piece of himself disappear. 

Was he like that as a child? He remembered being abrasive and coarse, rough to touch and eager to burn anyone and everyone, including himself. But, after he met Mana and calmed down, was he precocious and cunning? Mischievous and delightful? Once Mana came into his life nothing and no one else mattered to him. He couldn't remember what others said or felt around him, because Mana had been all he focused on. 

If he'd been born normally, belonged to someone normally, would he have been that way? 

Mana did this to him. Made him lose his sense of self until he felt as if he were wandering far away, detached and lost. It was easier to just be Allen in the present. 

Cross had always told him to focus on the present, had always inflicted him with odd jobs and duties so that Allen had no energy to think beyond what the immediate future required of him. Mana, too, had told him to keep looking forward. The past was nothing but a landmine full of hurt, despite all the treasures it held. 

Sometimes, Allen forgot that the Noah were a family to each other, and that Allen somehow, messily, belonged to that. Tyki stopped outside Allen's home and brought him close in a terrible mockery of Mana's hug, bringing Allen's head under his chin and smelling of smoke.

"Take care of yourself, boy," Tyki said, sounding sad. "We all love the Earl, there's no helping it, but don't lose yourself to it. We exist outside of him and this Holy War." The war had left it's scars deep in all of them, and despite it being over it still hung over them all. 

It reminded Allen again that Tyki clung to his humanity. Allen wasn't the only one who lost himself at times.

The tang of nicotine on his tongue and the warm press of Tyki's shoulder against Allen's face ground him in the present, and he nodded, giggling breathlessly when he felt the tears smear the smooth crease of Tyki's suit. He pulled away, smiling gratefully.

"Thank you," Allen said, and Tyki nodded. 

"Good night," Tyki said, waving his hand holding the cigarette. It sent a last waft of smoke towards Allen, and he watched as Tyki walked away. He lingered, for a moment, under the stars, before heading inside his home, welcoming the cool darkness that hid himself from sight. 

No one was in his house at the moment, Link stolen by Cross and the rest of the usual intruders in their own homes or still at dinner. He was grateful for the solitude, dragging himself upstairs.

Tomorrow, he'd start again. He'd wake up, go to breakfast, and greet the Earl.

Tomorrow, he'd see if the past would linger again. If it did, then he'd deal. 

But tonight, he was just Allen. Not a Noah, or an Exorcist, or even Mana's son. Just Allen.


End file.
